It's a sad-ish day around the house today, mourning the loss of a friendship. It was a friendship that I had been feeling less well with for a while, but it still hurts. You know the friend- calls you when they want something done, is too busy to talk when you try to reach out, asks you to censor yourself on their Facebook posts in order to keep the peace, doesn't like to debate on Facebook but frankly that's the only place you interact.
Hmmm... Writing this out makes it not seem like much of a friendship to begin with...
I tried to respect her wishes, and took my opinion to my own wall, where she followed and proceeded to have the argument that she didn't want on her's. When I pointed out that she likes to "control the message," she got upset. I'm sorry that I used the wrong words, but I don't know what else to call it when you request people remove comments in a discussion. Things escalated, and ended with her stating "...If you don't like the way I operate, unfriend
me. It's a simple as that."
So I did.
The one way we interacted, gone. I don't need "friends" who don't value me; I'm not some poor little puppy.
But I still miss her.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
Another Reason Ken's an Only
Reason #3,487- Favoritism
Yep, this actually is one of the many reasons I only wanted one kid if Dwight and I were going to have a family. It may sound crazy, but there you have it; this is me after all, so crazy is to be expected.
All the parents that I've ever known try to be impartial and fair with their kids, and many of them do really well at this, but too often I see them fail at not showing favoritism to one child or another. It's never purposeful, and there's many different reasons for that bias. And let me be clear- there are no unbiased humans. Bias on it's own isn't necessarily a good or bad thing, it's just a way that we view the world. Some people can relate more to children of their same gender, or the one that looks more like them, or a multitude of other reasons, and even purely by chance.
It's the effects of that bias that gets my goat the most. Like prejudice and discrimination, I'm not using bias and favoritism interchangeably in this sense, and it is exactly that, a sense, no more. Where bias or prejudice is the feeling, discrimination and favoritism is the action. It's the action that hurts people far more. In both the cases of discrimination and favoritism, the results are real and cause potentially disastrous problems for the subject of the discrimination or favoritism.
I don't want to risk that for my kid. I owe it to him to be the best parent I can be to him, and for me that means not running the risk of favoring him over another child, or another child over him. Especially since he has proven to be such a high-energy and high-demand kid.
So we stick with what works for us, the same as every other family does. And that's why every family deserves love and support, without judging.
Yep, this actually is one of the many reasons I only wanted one kid if Dwight and I were going to have a family. It may sound crazy, but there you have it; this is me after all, so crazy is to be expected.
All the parents that I've ever known try to be impartial and fair with their kids, and many of them do really well at this, but too often I see them fail at not showing favoritism to one child or another. It's never purposeful, and there's many different reasons for that bias. And let me be clear- there are no unbiased humans. Bias on it's own isn't necessarily a good or bad thing, it's just a way that we view the world. Some people can relate more to children of their same gender, or the one that looks more like them, or a multitude of other reasons, and even purely by chance.
It's the effects of that bias that gets my goat the most. Like prejudice and discrimination, I'm not using bias and favoritism interchangeably in this sense, and it is exactly that, a sense, no more. Where bias or prejudice is the feeling, discrimination and favoritism is the action. It's the action that hurts people far more. In both the cases of discrimination and favoritism, the results are real and cause potentially disastrous problems for the subject of the discrimination or favoritism.
I don't want to risk that for my kid. I owe it to him to be the best parent I can be to him, and for me that means not running the risk of favoring him over another child, or another child over him. Especially since he has proven to be such a high-energy and high-demand kid.
So we stick with what works for us, the same as every other family does. And that's why every family deserves love and support, without judging.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Month of Thanks, Week Four
Sunday, 18 November, 2012- I'm thankful for being able to work with Dwight. Especially on home improvement stuff. All household members surviving the project is an added bonus.
Monday, 19 November, 2012- I'm thankful for technology that, when used well and working correctly, makes life easier and simplifies processes. Skype for interviews instead of driving, word processing instead of typewriters, internet for TV instead of cable or antenna, and online applications instead of three pound application packets are the little things that save so much time and money regularly for me. It really is the little things.
Tuesday, 20 November, 2012- I'm thankful to have a chance to have "my day in court" as it were, on the Wells-Sherman house issue and see how this last push goes. Not a clue on chances. Not a clue on how this will go down. But at least this is going on the record and everything is coming out in the open. Blarg.
Wednesday, 21 November, 2012- I'm thankful to have absolutely gorgeous weather in Ohio, in late November. Like, take a walk with no coat on nice weather. This could almost convince me that global warming is a good thing. Almost.
Thursday, 22 November, 2012- I'm thankful for the time to reflect on how well I have it.
Friday, 23 November, 2012- I'm thankful not to have to go out much today, and to have (once again) no plans to shop on Buy Nothing Day. I'm standing in solidarity with protesting Wal-Mart workers, and saving spending for Buy Local Saturday, instead. Vote with your dollars.
Saturday, 24 November, 2012 (almost)- I'm thankful that my younger sister was able to find her way out of an abusive relationship. What I'm not thankful for is how much I miss that little girl. I love you, I always will. I'm glad that he can't hurt you anymore, but I wonder if you knew how much you would hurt everyone else. And I'm thankful that I can still hear your laugh when I need to.
Monday, 19 November, 2012- I'm thankful for technology that, when used well and working correctly, makes life easier and simplifies processes. Skype for interviews instead of driving, word processing instead of typewriters, internet for TV instead of cable or antenna, and online applications instead of three pound application packets are the little things that save so much time and money regularly for me. It really is the little things.
Tuesday, 20 November, 2012- I'm thankful to have a chance to have "my day in court" as it were, on the Wells-Sherman house issue and see how this last push goes. Not a clue on chances. Not a clue on how this will go down. But at least this is going on the record and everything is coming out in the open. Blarg.
Wednesday, 21 November, 2012- I'm thankful to have absolutely gorgeous weather in Ohio, in late November. Like, take a walk with no coat on nice weather. This could almost convince me that global warming is a good thing. Almost.
Thursday, 22 November, 2012- I'm thankful for the time to reflect on how well I have it.
Friday, 23 November, 2012- I'm thankful not to have to go out much today, and to have (once again) no plans to shop on Buy Nothing Day. I'm standing in solidarity with protesting Wal-Mart workers, and saving spending for Buy Local Saturday, instead. Vote with your dollars.
Saturday, 24 November, 2012 (almost)- I'm thankful that my younger sister was able to find her way out of an abusive relationship. What I'm not thankful for is how much I miss that little girl. I love you, I always will. I'm glad that he can't hurt you anymore, but I wonder if you knew how much you would hurt everyone else. And I'm thankful that I can still hear your laugh when I need to.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Thanky Happsgiving!
Today, I give thanks for many, many things, and recognize that I am so very blessed. These include, but are not limited to:
- Family, chosen and born
- Friends, new and old
- Loves, present and lost
- Animals, belly-nourishing and soul-nourishing
- Shelter, clothing, transportation
- Food, and there is a lot of it to be thankful for
- Education and those who educate, in all forms
- Plant-life, career-related, food-related, and joy-related
- Beauty of all kinds, both inside and out
- Time, busy and slow, together and alone
- Comforts, minor and major
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
IComLeavWe Intro
Hey, welcome if you're here for IComLeavWe! Or if you're not. Whatever. New or old friends, feel free to jump in and have a look around. Short story is that I'm a dissertating Ph.D. in biology student (graduation in May), mama to a first grader, surro-mama to two kiddos, egg-mama to three babes, and wife to Dwight. Long story can be found in the archives, or just ask questions you want the answers for.
I can't wait to read some of the great blogs visiting here from Stirrup Queens, because your stories are always amazing and inspiring. Women and men who go through infertility and/or alternative family building are so strong that I can't even believe it. You are my heroes. To love a child that much before they're even conceived? That takes guts. And the future is better because of the self-confident children that you so thoughtfully raise. Thank you. You humble me.
I can't wait to read some of the great blogs visiting here from Stirrup Queens, because your stories are always amazing and inspiring. Women and men who go through infertility and/or alternative family building are so strong that I can't even believe it. You are my heroes. To love a child that much before they're even conceived? That takes guts. And the future is better because of the self-confident children that you so thoughtfully raise. Thank you. You humble me.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Lending, not Wringing
Hands, that is.
Since Frankenstorm Sandy hit New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, and other areas, there's been a lot of talk about how to help out, and I appreciate that. Sandy did quite a job on heavily populated areas of the US, and areas that have some of the oldest infrastructure in the country as well. It's going to take a lot of work, a lot of people, and a lot of resources to rebuild the ravaged areas. This is not going to be a simple task, and the losses will take some grieving.
However hard as it may be, the rebuilding need begin as quickly as possible. This type of urgency doesn't leave much time for hand wringing. It's a time to lend a hand instead, so that's what some of us in Kent are doing with a non-cert on December 9th. Songs of Hope: Music from Kent to NYC is an online event and open to the public, so you can participate from wherever you are. The goal is to raise funds for victims of Sandy, and to enjoy some good music, and start a conversation. Lots of them, if we're lucky. That thermometer over on the left is keeping track of what we've done so far, so check back in and see how it changes.
How can you participate, you may be asking? Simple. Check back in to the event page on Facebook on December 9th, where we'll be posting links to songs of struggle, political action, solidarity, and whatever else strikes people's fancy, and a link to vetted, on-the-ground charitable organizations with each song. You can choose from the linked organizations and contribute, if you feel so compelled. Heck, post some links to songs that you enjoy, too, and if you're really ambitious, host a house party with some friends to all join together for the event. Your imagination's the limit on this one, and we'd love to hear what people are doing and thinking about.
As an added bonus, Hanukkah starts at sundown that evening (thus the candle in the logo). Maybe we can help to start a small miracle for the groups that are doing so much good in areas that desperately need it. If we all work together, and all try and contribute what we can, then there's no reason we can't make at least a dent.
Sound good? Let me hear from you. How are you lending a hand?
Since Frankenstorm Sandy hit New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, and other areas, there's been a lot of talk about how to help out, and I appreciate that. Sandy did quite a job on heavily populated areas of the US, and areas that have some of the oldest infrastructure in the country as well. It's going to take a lot of work, a lot of people, and a lot of resources to rebuild the ravaged areas. This is not going to be a simple task, and the losses will take some grieving.
However hard as it may be, the rebuilding need begin as quickly as possible. This type of urgency doesn't leave much time for hand wringing. It's a time to lend a hand instead, so that's what some of us in Kent are doing with a non-cert on December 9th. Songs of Hope: Music from Kent to NYC is an online event and open to the public, so you can participate from wherever you are. The goal is to raise funds for victims of Sandy, and to enjoy some good music, and start a conversation. Lots of them, if we're lucky. That thermometer over on the left is keeping track of what we've done so far, so check back in and see how it changes.
How can you participate, you may be asking? Simple. Check back in to the event page on Facebook on December 9th, where we'll be posting links to songs of struggle, political action, solidarity, and whatever else strikes people's fancy, and a link to vetted, on-the-ground charitable organizations with each song. You can choose from the linked organizations and contribute, if you feel so compelled. Heck, post some links to songs that you enjoy, too, and if you're really ambitious, host a house party with some friends to all join together for the event. Your imagination's the limit on this one, and we'd love to hear what people are doing and thinking about.
As an added bonus, Hanukkah starts at sundown that evening (thus the candle in the logo). Maybe we can help to start a small miracle for the groups that are doing so much good in areas that desperately need it. If we all work together, and all try and contribute what we can, then there's no reason we can't make at least a dent.
Sound good? Let me hear from you. How are you lending a hand?
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Month of Thanks, Week Three
Sunday, 11 November, 2012- It's Veterans Day, and I'm thankful to all who have served in our armed forces and Peace Corps (and Americorps and related groups). In peace time and in war time. To all those who have helped to make this nation what it is through their dedication and service, I commend and thank you.
Monday, 12 November, 2012- I'm thankful for my chosen family, who share many of my beliefs, appreciate similar things, have similar priorities, and have still allowed me into their lives. They had a choice to be a part of mine or not, and they chose to do so, and have stood by me and been supportive on some of the hardest days I've faced. They love me for who I am, not who they think I should be, or who I was when I was a child. They could choose to leave when things get too tough, but they don't.
Tuesday, 13 November, 2012- I am thankful for random emails from strangers asking for my help with a "Kent Heroes" photographic story. Some people still take an interest in our fight to keep a small lot for children, the arts, and the community, even if the odds are getting slimmer and most of Kent has moved on and lost interest. And I'm thankful for getting the chance to be part of a very grassroots, organic building of community against long odds and deep pockets and close connections. I have learned so much from this process, it's unbelievable. Now, if we could just win, that would be gravy.
Wednesday, 14 November, 2012- I'm thankful for my education and the path that this choice has lead me. So many people don't even consider education an option, or look down on it as irrelevant, and I honestly can't imagine a life like that. To be clear, I'm not saying degrees=education, I'm saying that I'm thankful for my education, which has occurred in and out of schools, on my own and with others, through success and failure. Education is no where near the same thing as a degree, and I am far more thankful for my education than my degrees. It's more important to developing a person, even if it may not have the prestige of a degree.
Thursday, 15 November, 2012- I'm thankful for the years that I've had with Dwight, and the person that he is, flawed human as we both are. It's been a lot of struggles, but he's been there, and G-D it, I love him. Which makes both our flaws so much harder to deal with. Not liking him would be so much easier than this on many days. He has faith in me when I don't, he makes me not be a hermit, and he reminds me that there's this thing called "reality" that might not match up to my ideals. No matter where our fate lies, for better or worse, we've helped to make each other who we are.
Friday, 16 November, 2012- I'm thankful for endings. It's the end of the week, and tomorrow starts another weekend. Time to try and rest, time to be together, just the three of us, and time to let our hair down and have some fun. Just one more day of wrap-up and anticipation, and we're there.
Saturday, 17 November, 2012- I'm thankful for seeing friends that I miss. A chosen sister is coming into town today, and I can't wait. It's Saturday, so Haymaker Farmers' Market is going on, where I'll get to see more friends than I know what to do with. They exhaust me, but I love these people. My tribe.
Monday, 12 November, 2012- I'm thankful for my chosen family, who share many of my beliefs, appreciate similar things, have similar priorities, and have still allowed me into their lives. They had a choice to be a part of mine or not, and they chose to do so, and have stood by me and been supportive on some of the hardest days I've faced. They love me for who I am, not who they think I should be, or who I was when I was a child. They could choose to leave when things get too tough, but they don't.
Tuesday, 13 November, 2012- I am thankful for random emails from strangers asking for my help with a "Kent Heroes" photographic story. Some people still take an interest in our fight to keep a small lot for children, the arts, and the community, even if the odds are getting slimmer and most of Kent has moved on and lost interest. And I'm thankful for getting the chance to be part of a very grassroots, organic building of community against long odds and deep pockets and close connections. I have learned so much from this process, it's unbelievable. Now, if we could just win, that would be gravy.
Wednesday, 14 November, 2012- I'm thankful for my education and the path that this choice has lead me. So many people don't even consider education an option, or look down on it as irrelevant, and I honestly can't imagine a life like that. To be clear, I'm not saying degrees=education, I'm saying that I'm thankful for my education, which has occurred in and out of schools, on my own and with others, through success and failure. Education is no where near the same thing as a degree, and I am far more thankful for my education than my degrees. It's more important to developing a person, even if it may not have the prestige of a degree.
Thursday, 15 November, 2012- I'm thankful for the years that I've had with Dwight, and the person that he is, flawed human as we both are. It's been a lot of struggles, but he's been there, and G-D it, I love him. Which makes both our flaws so much harder to deal with. Not liking him would be so much easier than this on many days. He has faith in me when I don't, he makes me not be a hermit, and he reminds me that there's this thing called "reality" that might not match up to my ideals. No matter where our fate lies, for better or worse, we've helped to make each other who we are.
Friday, 16 November, 2012- I'm thankful for endings. It's the end of the week, and tomorrow starts another weekend. Time to try and rest, time to be together, just the three of us, and time to let our hair down and have some fun. Just one more day of wrap-up and anticipation, and we're there.
Saturday, 17 November, 2012- I'm thankful for seeing friends that I miss. A chosen sister is coming into town today, and I can't wait. It's Saturday, so Haymaker Farmers' Market is going on, where I'll get to see more friends than I know what to do with. They exhaust me, but I love these people. My tribe.
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