If you haven't yet, go check out Rampaige's Busty Girl Comics right now! Some amazing body image and self-acceptance comics about women's shapes, and the problems (and perks) they create for the person in that body.
The most recent one, especially, is absolutely fabulous. Look at her belly! Look at her belly! :D Even stretch marks are a part of us, once they're there, and remind us of how strong our bodies are. Love your body, because you only have one. I know it's hard to do sometimes, but it's when you're down that you need the most love, right?
Monday, September 24, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
On the Topic of Legitimate Rape
Originally published on The Next Family, September 7th, 2012.
It’s a very odd couple of weeks in the news, enough to make me wonder
if my long time dream of time travel had come true in a “Monkey’s Paw”
sort of way, and I’ve awoken in 1950-something. Talk of “legitimate
rape,” “honest rape,” “forcible rape,” forms of conception, and
eleven-year -old kids that deserve to have been raped. In case you’ve
been living under a rock, all of this is framed in the discourse on
abortion, and specifically personhood rights for the unborn (well,
except the remark about the eleven-year-old; that’s just cruel and
asinine). Now, I wasn’t there in the bad old days of the coat hanger and
before Roe vs. Wade, but I’d wager the rhetoric was worse, although I’m
not sure by how much.
I can respect a pro-life stance, even if I myself am pro-choice; I
have plenty of friends that are pro-life for various reasons and to
varying degrees, but we mostly get along. I say “mostly” because saying
that any group got along all the time would be a lie now wouldn’t it?
Even when we don’t necessarily get along, we’re civil and respectful,
and while no one typically persuades anyone else, in the end we’re still
friends. I think that’s how most of us are in our day-to-day lives,
with people we know, or at least I like to think that’s the case. You’d
never know it from the news, though, and I may be delusional in thinking
the way I do.
Thing is, while all the talk from the likes of Akin, Ryan, Paul, and
Passidomo make it sound like these are just misspoken words or verbal
accidents, there’s a certain logic to these unhinged statements. What
they effectively do is blame the victim and dehumanize the woman
involved, and by extension, all women. As a meme that’s been going
around Facebook states, a woman deserves to be raped because she’s
scantily clad just as much as a man deserves to be kicked in the balls
when he doesn’t put on a cup in the morning. Victim blaming is the
easiest of these insidious tactics to dispel because all it requires is a
simple respect for others.
The other lines are a bit trickier, in part because they rely on that
first step above: respecting others. But once you do that, you have to
think about dichotomies. See, any time you categorize something, you
imply that not everything fits in that category. For there to be “honest
rape,” that implies that some rapes are “dishonest,” or a case of
“buyer’s remorse”, and nothing could be further from the truth. Rape is
never OK, there is nothing that a person can do that makes them worthy
of being raped. To say that they are worthy of rape is to say that they
aren’t human, plain and simple.
Finally, using lies and fallacies like women’s bodies “shutting that
whole thing down” and pregnancies not resulting from rapes is blatant
propaganda and dishonesty, on top of victim-shaming and cruelty. More
importantly, it is absolutely unacceptable for those who should be held
as role models to be spreading this misinformation and
mischaracterization, and even worse when this is done by a member of the
House Science Committee. There is a place for opinion, if you could
even call these opinions, but it is not situated somewhere north of
facts, at least not in the real world, which these people have arguably
left behind at this point.
On a closing note, what all of these comments have in common is a
reflection of the fact that there are plenty of people in the US and the
world who still consider women to be second class citizens, and not
worthy of the same respect as men and not able to be trusted with
decisions regarding their own body. In fact, talking about rape as
another form of conception ignores the woman entirely, and focuses
simply on “rape->baby” and in thirty-one states, the woman continues
to be ignored by laws that allow fathers via rape to have the same
rights and access to their progeny as fathers via IVF, intercourse, or
adoption (yes, you read that right, rapists can sue for visitation,
too). The same goes with personhood amendments which instill legal
status on all embryos, including those created via IVF. Many prominent
pro-life activists are opposed to personhood statutes, because those
statutes go too far in limiting rights, and would effectively bar IVF
due to concerns on how to deal with all of the extra embryos created in
the process and the need to figure out what to do with them (and a
desire to avoid additional Octo-mom situations).
Personally, I will always support a woman’s right to bodily autonomy,
the same as I respect a man’s right to bodily autonomy in the
circumcision debate. If we can’t control our own bodies, what do
we have control over? And let’s face it, this discussion is not about
protecting the unborn, or caring for children- if it were, we wouldn’t
have such a high national child poverty rate. The discussion on
different types of rape, abortion (and in part, surrogacy) is about control.
Women are not chattel, and any politician- or human, for that matter-
would do well to remember that all 7 billion plus humans currently alive
are here because of a woman (or two).
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Of Hope and Humanity, Part Two
Originally published on May 18, 2012, on The Next Family.
I gave birth on a Tuesday, in the early morning, and Thursday afternoon we left the hospital. The guys were still staying in town one more night because our discharge was later in the day and they had a six-hour drive home (plus a lot of time for stops this trip). So Friday we had one last goodbye, and then they were off. A few hours after they left, we were off, to Minneapolis for my annual professional conference. My first experience with pumping and traveling, and it was quite the learning experience at that. By the way, frozen breast milk travels through TSA screenings perfectly well, while fresh is infinitely harder. Just so you know. Everything went well, and on the little one’s one-week birthday, we were on our way back home. I have to credit daddy and papa (my intended fathers) for being amazing during this time. I had emails, phone pictures, calls, and updates. We were all sharing pictures and gushing on Facebook, and things just went outstandingly well. We had talked ahead of time about how to handle afterwards, what expectations we all had, what to do and not do, so we were prepared, and I think that was a huge help in navigating those hormone-driven and sleep-deprived post-partum and early infant days. It also helped that daddy is a counselor, and deals amazingly well with people. As things calmed down and I got back into work, there were changes, obviously, but we all dealt with them as they came with copious communication. I took some time to focus on myself, and pamper myself some, not by time off of work (yeah, graduate students who want to graduate don’t really do that), but with things like eating out, massages, and using pumping time as time to read, play online, whatever. We set up a time to go visit the new family, marked the date on the calendar, and just enjoyed the end of summer. I had my prospectus defense scheduled, so I spent a lot of time getting that document ready, editing, and practicing questions (which, ironically, I’m going through again as I prep my dissertation for defense). Life was good. What no one communicated about, and what no one expected, was that Monday morning call from my mom and her husband. What no one expected was that our first reaction would be “Did her husband do it?” when we heard of Kim’s death. What no one expected was that the answer would be no. Kim had married an older man early on. She was half his age when they married in her 21st year of life. She and I had been close as kids, we’re 4.5 years apart, but our dad died when I was 14 and she was 9, so that made us closer than other kids with the same span between them. In some ways, I had thought of her and been protective of her as a mother would. By the end of that week, we would be driving across state, going to a *very* private memorial, and saying goodbye. I don’t deal with funerals well. I may do dissections frequently as a biologist and not think twice about it, but dead people freak me out. Seeing my little sis there literally took my breath away. Hearing the comments of “She looks so good” made me gag. Fewer than thirty people were allowed in to pay their respects, but my in-laws and another surrogate that was local to Kim and had known both of us came for me. Daddy and Papa sent flowers. My dear friend Kristina, who had watched Kenny when I was in labor sent cards compulsively. At my prospectus defense, ten days after Kim’s death, one of my advisors gave me a card. Towards the end of August, when the date of our big trip came up, I was informed of a second memorial for Kim. This would be the larger service, with the cousins, and extended family. This would be not the stiff pastor speaking of some other Kim, but family sharing and crying and eating, with no preserved body and a pillow carefully hiding a missing occipital bone. It was to be the same day that we would be with the new family. Again, I was separated from our family; so instead, I celebrated with “my family” by going to an outdoor concert with Daddy, Papa, and their little girl. There was music, and outdoors, and food, and love- and that was my memorial for her. To say the healing process was hard would be an understatement. We walked as a family, me, Dwight, Kenny, my mom, and her husband, in an Out of the Darkness walk in Cleveland in October. We had t-shirts printed with an image of Kim with fairy wings that I had put together. Most days, I was able to drag myself out of bed. Oddly, when I read my teaching reviews for that term, my students praised me; I laughed at how well I had managed to fool them into thinking that I wasn’t falling apart. I went to grief counseling. I still sit here, nearly ten months later, in tears as I type. Grieving is not something that gets easier with practice; I should know, I’ve done this before. And, by a huge twist of fate, my commencement and hooding this summer falls on her birthday, and just after the one-year anniversary of her death. A part of me sees her laughing somewhere over this fact, probably with our dad. She always was the drama queen, and wanted to be the center of attention. Well, this year her birthday will be for both of us. This is my payback for all the years of having to share my birthday with her half birthday. I’d take back every mean thing I said just to share a birthday with you again.
I gave birth on a Tuesday, in the early morning, and Thursday afternoon we left the hospital. The guys were still staying in town one more night because our discharge was later in the day and they had a six-hour drive home (plus a lot of time for stops this trip). So Friday we had one last goodbye, and then they were off. A few hours after they left, we were off, to Minneapolis for my annual professional conference. My first experience with pumping and traveling, and it was quite the learning experience at that. By the way, frozen breast milk travels through TSA screenings perfectly well, while fresh is infinitely harder. Just so you know. Everything went well, and on the little one’s one-week birthday, we were on our way back home. I have to credit daddy and papa (my intended fathers) for being amazing during this time. I had emails, phone pictures, calls, and updates. We were all sharing pictures and gushing on Facebook, and things just went outstandingly well. We had talked ahead of time about how to handle afterwards, what expectations we all had, what to do and not do, so we were prepared, and I think that was a huge help in navigating those hormone-driven and sleep-deprived post-partum and early infant days. It also helped that daddy is a counselor, and deals amazingly well with people. As things calmed down and I got back into work, there were changes, obviously, but we all dealt with them as they came with copious communication. I took some time to focus on myself, and pamper myself some, not by time off of work (yeah, graduate students who want to graduate don’t really do that), but with things like eating out, massages, and using pumping time as time to read, play online, whatever. We set up a time to go visit the new family, marked the date on the calendar, and just enjoyed the end of summer. I had my prospectus defense scheduled, so I spent a lot of time getting that document ready, editing, and practicing questions (which, ironically, I’m going through again as I prep my dissertation for defense). Life was good. What no one communicated about, and what no one expected, was that Monday morning call from my mom and her husband. What no one expected was that our first reaction would be “Did her husband do it?” when we heard of Kim’s death. What no one expected was that the answer would be no. Kim had married an older man early on. She was half his age when they married in her 21st year of life. She and I had been close as kids, we’re 4.5 years apart, but our dad died when I was 14 and she was 9, so that made us closer than other kids with the same span between them. In some ways, I had thought of her and been protective of her as a mother would. By the end of that week, we would be driving across state, going to a *very* private memorial, and saying goodbye. I don’t deal with funerals well. I may do dissections frequently as a biologist and not think twice about it, but dead people freak me out. Seeing my little sis there literally took my breath away. Hearing the comments of “She looks so good” made me gag. Fewer than thirty people were allowed in to pay their respects, but my in-laws and another surrogate that was local to Kim and had known both of us came for me. Daddy and Papa sent flowers. My dear friend Kristina, who had watched Kenny when I was in labor sent cards compulsively. At my prospectus defense, ten days after Kim’s death, one of my advisors gave me a card. Towards the end of August, when the date of our big trip came up, I was informed of a second memorial for Kim. This would be the larger service, with the cousins, and extended family. This would be not the stiff pastor speaking of some other Kim, but family sharing and crying and eating, with no preserved body and a pillow carefully hiding a missing occipital bone. It was to be the same day that we would be with the new family. Again, I was separated from our family; so instead, I celebrated with “my family” by going to an outdoor concert with Daddy, Papa, and their little girl. There was music, and outdoors, and food, and love- and that was my memorial for her. To say the healing process was hard would be an understatement. We walked as a family, me, Dwight, Kenny, my mom, and her husband, in an Out of the Darkness walk in Cleveland in October. We had t-shirts printed with an image of Kim with fairy wings that I had put together. Most days, I was able to drag myself out of bed. Oddly, when I read my teaching reviews for that term, my students praised me; I laughed at how well I had managed to fool them into thinking that I wasn’t falling apart. I went to grief counseling. I still sit here, nearly ten months later, in tears as I type. Grieving is not something that gets easier with practice; I should know, I’ve done this before. And, by a huge twist of fate, my commencement and hooding this summer falls on her birthday, and just after the one-year anniversary of her death. A part of me sees her laughing somewhere over this fact, probably with our dad. She always was the drama queen, and wanted to be the center of attention. Well, this year her birthday will be for both of us. This is my payback for all the years of having to share my birthday with her half birthday. I’d take back every mean thing I said just to share a birthday with you again.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
The Post I Didn't Want to Write
September the eleventh has come and gone, and I have managed to refrain from saying much until now. At this point, I don't think it's disrespectful to discuss the very difficult issues that the anniversary of eleven years and two days ago brings about. It may be odd, but I prefer to give a little space when I deem necessary, as opposed to bowling people over at a sensitive time.
Unfortunately, this year brought more pain and suffering, as there were attacks on US embassies in the middle east, most notably Benghazi. This was after a trailer of a movie the Innocence of Muslims by "Sam Bacile" and promoted by Terry Jones, the Florida Quran-burning pastor (note, I'm choosing not to link any of this, as it's pretty vile, in my opinion; feel free to check Google, but I'm not going to promote them more than simply stating facts). It has yet to be proven that the attacks were connected to the movie, or even planned attacks (as opposed to protests that were "lucky" and got out of control), but whatever the connections, the date was not a good one. Not that there's ever a good time for attacks, but hopefully you get what I mean.
There's no question that the movie- reprehensible as it may be- is legal in the US and is protected speech, which is part of what makes it so hard for the rest of the world to understand. We love our free speech here, to the point where we along what many other nations would consider hate speech, and with no repercussions to boot. We also have the freedom of religion that lets us worship, pray, and believe however we choose, and the freedom to believe in nothing at all. What we haven't quite figured out yet- and granted, we are a relatively young nation- is how to balance these rights with the responsibility to not be jerks, and to tolerate and even embrace others' beliefs. I've talked about this before, and I'll talk about it again, but there is no right that does not carry with it some responsibility, also.
And this is where it gets tough. After September eleventh, we hurt mightily as a nation and we had every right to do that. We had the responsibility to not take that hurt and behave like a wounded beast and attack whatever was closest. We had the responsibility to not use our hurt to fuel our hate against people who don't believe the same as us, at home and abroad. We had the responsibility to not use superficial appearances as a reason for revenge against innocent individuals. We abused our rights in the wake of 9-11, and we are continuing to ignore our responsibilities to the world. These responsibilities are greater yet, due to our *massively* over-powering military force in comparison to the rest of the world.
If we as a nation are ever not going to be at war again, we have got to start to understand the implications of our actions, and the entitlement of others to the same rights that we enjoy. At this moment, let's stand up and act as the bigger nation that we are. To all those nations that felt attacked by the movie, they felt that they were attacked by the whole US, as in their country a video like this never would have made the light of day, and it's very possible they reacted as though that were the case. Let's show them the benefits of our rights, so that they might embrace the ideals behind those right and push for them inside their own country. Let us remember to give them the benefit of the doubt. Let us remember to be humane, and recognize the humanity in others. Is their action excusable? No, by no means. Is it understandable? Most definitely.
Unfortunately, this year brought more pain and suffering, as there were attacks on US embassies in the middle east, most notably Benghazi. This was after a trailer of a movie the Innocence of Muslims by "Sam Bacile" and promoted by Terry Jones, the Florida Quran-burning pastor (note, I'm choosing not to link any of this, as it's pretty vile, in my opinion; feel free to check Google, but I'm not going to promote them more than simply stating facts). It has yet to be proven that the attacks were connected to the movie, or even planned attacks (as opposed to protests that were "lucky" and got out of control), but whatever the connections, the date was not a good one. Not that there's ever a good time for attacks, but hopefully you get what I mean.
There's no question that the movie- reprehensible as it may be- is legal in the US and is protected speech, which is part of what makes it so hard for the rest of the world to understand. We love our free speech here, to the point where we along what many other nations would consider hate speech, and with no repercussions to boot. We also have the freedom of religion that lets us worship, pray, and believe however we choose, and the freedom to believe in nothing at all. What we haven't quite figured out yet- and granted, we are a relatively young nation- is how to balance these rights with the responsibility to not be jerks, and to tolerate and even embrace others' beliefs. I've talked about this before, and I'll talk about it again, but there is no right that does not carry with it some responsibility, also.
And this is where it gets tough. After September eleventh, we hurt mightily as a nation and we had every right to do that. We had the responsibility to not take that hurt and behave like a wounded beast and attack whatever was closest. We had the responsibility to not use our hurt to fuel our hate against people who don't believe the same as us, at home and abroad. We had the responsibility to not use superficial appearances as a reason for revenge against innocent individuals. We abused our rights in the wake of 9-11, and we are continuing to ignore our responsibilities to the world. These responsibilities are greater yet, due to our *massively* over-powering military force in comparison to the rest of the world.
If we as a nation are ever not going to be at war again, we have got to start to understand the implications of our actions, and the entitlement of others to the same rights that we enjoy. At this moment, let's stand up and act as the bigger nation that we are. To all those nations that felt attacked by the movie, they felt that they were attacked by the whole US, as in their country a video like this never would have made the light of day, and it's very possible they reacted as though that were the case. Let's show them the benefits of our rights, so that they might embrace the ideals behind those right and push for them inside their own country. Let us remember to give them the benefit of the doubt. Let us remember to be humane, and recognize the humanity in others. Is their action excusable? No, by no means. Is it understandable? Most definitely.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Loving the Simple Moments
Originally published on the Kent Patch, June 4th, 2012.
It's summer now, by the school calendar (but still technically spring until the solstice!) and routines are changing. Kids are at home, camp, grandparents, or a babysitter's, teachers are preparing for next fall, farmers are in full swing running between the field and the market, some businesses have new hours, and the library is open on Sundays. This can be a stressful time, and for most of the families I know, it requires some careful planning, especially if summer activites like lessons or sports are involved. When we have our routines, life is pretty comfortable. One doesn't have to think much, just repeat what you did yesterday, right? Changes tend to be difficult for humans.
At the same time, sometimes seeing things through a new perspective, or facing new challenges can help us grow and learn. We never know how much we are capable of until we're forced to go a little further than we have before. And routines can let us go a little too far into "auto-pilot" mode at times. Autopilot is great for not having to think, but it's not so good for being mindful and observant, noticing what's going on around us. Finding the right balance between routine and change is important for most people to live their best.
Funny thing is, we humans aren't the only ones who need cycles as well as spontaneity. The whole universe is built on this combination and finding that balance.
Today marks the full moon, specifically the strawberry moon by some accounts, or the last full moon before the solstice. The moon phases are a great cyclical phenomenon. They're predictable, constant, and familiar.
Tomorrow, June 5th, marks the Transit of Venus, visible in our area starting at approximately 6:04 PM EST and continuing until about 10 PM. This is where we can actually watch the shadow of Venus pass across the sun as it travels in between us and the sun in straight line. The entire transit will take six hours, but that pesky night sky will interfere with out view of the last four hours. The transit is actually a cycle, but it won't recur for another 105 years. For real spontaneity in the skies, think of meteorite showers which should appear in July and August.
Remember wether you're looking at the moon tonight, the transit* tomorrow, meteor showers later this summer, or a starry sky any clear night to break out of your routine a bit. Try something new, push yourself a little harder, and never forget to take time to notice- really observe- what's going on around you. Even if you have to schedule it. If you don't, you might wake up one morning and realize that you're the only one that missed something extraordinary.
*A word of caution on this one- NEVER look straight at the sun without the proper equipment, which is shade #14 welder's glass. If you don't happen to have those lying around, other options for making a home projector can be found here.
It's summer now, by the school calendar (but still technically spring until the solstice!) and routines are changing. Kids are at home, camp, grandparents, or a babysitter's, teachers are preparing for next fall, farmers are in full swing running between the field and the market, some businesses have new hours, and the library is open on Sundays. This can be a stressful time, and for most of the families I know, it requires some careful planning, especially if summer activites like lessons or sports are involved. When we have our routines, life is pretty comfortable. One doesn't have to think much, just repeat what you did yesterday, right? Changes tend to be difficult for humans.
At the same time, sometimes seeing things through a new perspective, or facing new challenges can help us grow and learn. We never know how much we are capable of until we're forced to go a little further than we have before. And routines can let us go a little too far into "auto-pilot" mode at times. Autopilot is great for not having to think, but it's not so good for being mindful and observant, noticing what's going on around us. Finding the right balance between routine and change is important for most people to live their best.
Funny thing is, we humans aren't the only ones who need cycles as well as spontaneity. The whole universe is built on this combination and finding that balance.
Today marks the full moon, specifically the strawberry moon by some accounts, or the last full moon before the solstice. The moon phases are a great cyclical phenomenon. They're predictable, constant, and familiar.
Tomorrow, June 5th, marks the Transit of Venus, visible in our area starting at approximately 6:04 PM EST and continuing until about 10 PM. This is where we can actually watch the shadow of Venus pass across the sun as it travels in between us and the sun in straight line. The entire transit will take six hours, but that pesky night sky will interfere with out view of the last four hours. The transit is actually a cycle, but it won't recur for another 105 years. For real spontaneity in the skies, think of meteorite showers which should appear in July and August.
Remember wether you're looking at the moon tonight, the transit* tomorrow, meteor showers later this summer, or a starry sky any clear night to break out of your routine a bit. Try something new, push yourself a little harder, and never forget to take time to notice- really observe- what's going on around you. Even if you have to schedule it. If you don't, you might wake up one morning and realize that you're the only one that missed something extraordinary.
*A word of caution on this one- NEVER look straight at the sun without the proper equipment, which is shade #14 welder's glass. If you don't happen to have those lying around, other options for making a home projector can be found here.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Thoughts on The New Normal
Tonight premieres NBC's take on surrogacy, The New Normal. Brought to you by the folks that brought you Glee, The New Normal highlights David and Bryan (a gay couple who have decided to pursue surrogacy) and their surrogate, Goldie, and follow the journey to parenthood. There's a requisite woman-bouncing-on-a-man sex scene for the ex (briefly, and not much skin shown- It *is* NBC, after all), over the top stereotypes, a bigoted grandma and adorable daughter, and a "uterine terrorist" for the first surrogate Bryan and David meet. Even with all this, the pilot is worth a watch, and I have hopes that they can fix the mistakes.
The show has a lofty goal- to try and make families headed by same-sex couples more widely accepted and understood, and bring surrogacy into popular culture conversations. To quote a friend of mine who is a father via surrogacy- "I think even if they get it partly correct it will help. Look at modern family. It's largely based on stereotyping but at least it's gotten people to talk about families like mine. :-) A step in the right direction! :-)" And that shoot-for-the-stars-reach-the-moon attitude has worked enough times in the past, there's no reason to think it won't this time.
Really, the more we talk about this, the more we get alternative families out in the public, the better we are because we get closer and closer to fully accepting them as just another form of family that picks up the thrown peas one at a time like ourselves. If you're wondering about the possibilities, or have been a part of alternative family building, then you might want to weigh in on your experience over at Living the New Normal on Facebook. That page is put together by the same organizers bringing about Men Having Babies, where I'll be speaking as part of a panel on September 22nd. Follow along, find information, and make your voice heard.
Love is Love, Family is Family. And it's time everyone understood that.
The show has a lofty goal- to try and make families headed by same-sex couples more widely accepted and understood, and bring surrogacy into popular culture conversations. To quote a friend of mine who is a father via surrogacy- "I think even if they get it partly correct it will help. Look at modern family. It's largely based on stereotyping but at least it's gotten people to talk about families like mine. :-) A step in the right direction! :-)" And that shoot-for-the-stars-reach-the-moon attitude has worked enough times in the past, there's no reason to think it won't this time.
Really, the more we talk about this, the more we get alternative families out in the public, the better we are because we get closer and closer to fully accepting them as just another form of family that picks up the thrown peas one at a time like ourselves. If you're wondering about the possibilities, or have been a part of alternative family building, then you might want to weigh in on your experience over at Living the New Normal on Facebook. That page is put together by the same organizers bringing about Men Having Babies, where I'll be speaking as part of a panel on September 22nd. Follow along, find information, and make your voice heard.
Love is Love, Family is Family. And it's time everyone understood that.
Friday, September 7, 2012
More Fun Stuff on the Horizon
The press releases have gone out, so it looks to be official. I'll be speaking at Men Having Babies seminar in New York City on September 22nd.
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