Privacy in a public world

I'm an introvert.  I've probably said that before, and it hasn't changed.  I'm not a big social fan, although I'm trying to be comfortable with social situations and interactions.  And, yes, I am on social networks- they feel "safe" to me.  I can interact one-on-one with people I miss, I get to know what family and friends are doing and how their life is going, and I can easily share interesting information with people I know.  I do keep my privacy levels set pretty high, for my own comfort.  So when someone I know breaches boundaries on a social site, I get agitated.  I don't like internet "stalkers", even if they are friends or family.  I'm happy to share photos on there with my friends and family, but I'm not a fan of someone copying them to their computer or sharing with others I don't know.  I love the conversation that an article on a hot-button topic can encourage, but when people I don't know start butting in, it makes me uncomfortable. 

At the same time, in a world where so many people are connecting via these sites, to not be on them can be a bit, well, lonely.  And yes, even introverts can get lonely.  How many conversations start with "Did you see what so-and-so posted on Facebook?" or something equivalent?  How many people that are important in my life would I have considerably less contact with if it were not for social networking?  How many events would I not otherwise hear about without these sites?  How many people whom I now consider real friends- not just internet acquaintances- would I not know if it weren't for social sites? Sure, I could make the effort to keep those connections going on my own, but that takes time, energy and contact information that I just don't have right now.  Maybe after I finally finish grad school, but not right now, and even then it would be more difficult than it is with social network sites.

I guess the short version of that is "there are benefits and drawbacks to social network sites."  Duh, right?  So how important are the relative benefits and how annoying are the drawbacks?  At a time when I'm just not feeling like expending emotional energy unnecessarily, the negatives seem to loom ever heavier.  Then someone will post/share/say/do something that I absolutely love and need at that moment, one of my friends to the rescue again, and I just can't imagine not having that connection.  Maybe a day will come when I decide it's no longer worth it, or maybe I'll learn to better balance the pros and cons, only time will tell.  Until that time, all I can do is try to minimize the negatives and continue to appreciate the interactions I do have in that space that would not occur otherwise.  Once again, being an introvert in a social species takes work, but I'm not ready just yet to be a total hermit.

ROAR!!! ~Mama

"...Amma, you know, the hugging saint of India, who says that true motherhood means that all creatures are your children. That's true motherhood, and she defines that as divine love and as God."  ~Alice Walker
Happy Mother's Day to everyone out there, whether a mama to a child of their body or heart or soul; whether early or late, intentional or mistaken; whether a mama to a fur-baby, a real baby, a small flock or class, or to the planet; in spirit or in fact- all y'all mama's are important. 

Personally, I'm a mama that follows in here daddy's footsteps- I fix things.  I fix breakfast, lunch and dinner; I fix boo-boos and feelings; I fix broken toys and broken hearts; I fix torn clothes and sick animals (pets or otherwise); I fix torn books and leaky pipes.

What kind of mama are you?  What's your super power?  How are you celebrating today?  Whatever the answers to these questions, enjoy the day, today and every day!

What a weird world...

This weekend brought an end to the life of Usama bin Laden, possibly one of the humans most feared by the US in a *long* time.  He founded and was the charismatic recruiter for Al Quaida, a terrorist organization that attacked the US on our own soil and beyond.  At the news of his death, there were videos of dancing, singing, whooping-and-hollering celebration in many locations, inside the US and out (mainly US-affiliated bases, embassies, etc. from my understanding).  It was as if evil itself had been conquered.  Even our President broke into broadcast television to announce the news and lauded the event with a proclamation of "Justice has been done."

As a pacifist and a mama, I'm torn right now.  To celebrate the death of a human at the hands of another human is wrong in my eyes.  We are all people, whether good or bad.  And to celebrate this death when it will surely be followed by a new leader seems preemptive and presumptive.  More than that I have to ask why are we celebrating like this?  This is a man with many, many horrible deeds on his head, no doubt, and multiple standing criminal charges against him.  If he was truly the mastermind behind the attacks on September 11th, 2001, then he has over 3,000 deaths that are his responsibility in that one day.  Unfortunately, he will never be brought to trial, so we will never see the evidence for or against his involvement there.  I understand that for many people, they have waited for this day since then, and this brought a bit of closure, but let's please not mistake closure for justice.  I don't know many of us who teach our children that justice means "an eye for an eye" any more, and the best way to teach is by example.  This celebration certainly doesn't teach our children non-violence or respect for life, either. 

While I'm confounded by our response to this event, I'm also baffled at the lack of perspective.  I must state again that yes, this was a very bad man, but I've heard many compare him to Saddam Hussein or Adolph Hitler lately.  How accurate is this?  For one thing, he was never a leader of state- in fact, his own state revoked his citizenship years ago; he was a stateless leader of a stateless group.  The scale, also, is far from similar.  Hitler had the deaths of millions on his shoulders, and Hussein hundreds of thousands.  Here in the US, we have a more similar death toll in Iraq and Afghanistan each, and yet we don't hold our leaders or ourselves responsible for those deaths.  We loose more humans each year to drugs, poverty, gang violence, suicide, and malnutrition each than how many we have lost to bin Laden.  Sixty-six years ago, the suicide of Hitler brought outrage that he would not be held responsible for and face trial for the murders which he instigated, and would therefore he would never face justice.  Two days ago, we declared justice for orders of magnitude fewer deaths to be an assassination. 

How does one person instill so much fear and hatred in an entire nation?  How have we changed so drastically in the time since World War II?  Have we become this much more blood-thirsty and violent?  Have we this little regard for human life?  Is it due to attributes of bin Laden- his skin color, his nationality, or his religion?  Is it because he attacked us on our own soil?  What causes people to think and behave this way?  Whatever it is, it certainly isn't compassion or rationality.  It certainly is nothing that I'm proud to see, let alone be a part of.  How do I explain this to my son- that even though our nation is acting in this way, it is not OK for him to emulate these sentiments, and that I can not condone these actions?  How do I explain this and still teach him to be proud of our country, the principles upon which we were founded, and things we have accomplished?  How do I instill in him this nationalism, pride, and patriotism, when I find it so hard to continue those feelings in my own mind? 

My father was raised in a country of which he was proud, and he spoke up when he saw it going a way he did not like or approve; he died at a time when we were heading in the right direction and seemed to be getting back on track.  He raised me to be proud of this country, and to believe that we could change- he was sure it would by the time my sister and I had grown up.  I feel like I've been let down, and like he's been let down.  Worst of all, I feel lied to about what a great nation we are.  My consolation is the people with whom I surround myself, and hearing voices of reason ring out above the cacophony of negativity.  It's still an uphill battle, and there's still a lot of fighting left to do in and for this country before we'll be a shadow of our former self, but there are people willing to fight.  We're working together, and finding each other, and slowly we will gain ground.  We will because we must.  We will because the US needs this change toward humanity, compassion, and reason.  We will because the next generation will not be lied to. 

Ha! Back again!

Not much new here, but I am back again; still not much to say, but also still liking to be back in this head-space.  A little more breathing room, a little less frantic, definitely in better spirits and without so much weight on my shoulders.  Things are good.  Life is good.  There's forward motion and progress in the correct direction.  Unfortunately, I don't have as much time as I would like to write and tell you all about the latest fun around Chez Assylum (yet), but it's coming.  That will have to hold you for now.  :)

Did you forget me?

Yeah, I did too, so don't feel bad.  I've been in a total non-public head space for a while and just needed to back off a bit.  We introverts need that on occasion.  But don't worry, things have been good here.  Since my last post, I turned thirty.  No, that wasn't what kept me away, but it has kept me busy.  No trauma or drama associated with it, just feeling like it's time to stop playing and get real.  I've had thirty years to dork around and not do jack-sh!t, now it's time to get to work.  And I have!  Making progress toward my doctorate.  Focusing on my self and family.  Deciding that I just don't feel like wasting the emotional energy some people bring with them.  I need my energy, thank you very much, and I will no longer use it on people who really have nothing to offer me.  Is that selfish?  Is that cruel?  Now don't get me wrong- I'm talking about *nothing* to offer me here.  People that I associated with out of a feeling of obligation.  People that brought more negative into my life than I would like to handle.  People who are just an out-right emotional drain for me.  So I've been focusing the energy I had spent there onto myself, which has been hugely uncharacteristic for me.  But you know what?  I function better now that I've been making that effort.  I can't make anyone appreciate me, so I'll do it, and then not feel resentful because no one appreciates me.  I'm happier, and let's face it- if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy, right?  And I find I have more energy when I'm happy.  So it all works out in the end.  All this extra energy has let me be a better spouse and parent as well, all while getting stuff done that I need to.  Still not everything I would like to do, but getting closer.  And let's face it, me without a to-do list is like a ship without a rudder.  Easily led astray, heading for a crash, and generally a bad idea.

And do you have any idea what's coming up?  Ten years.  Tenth anniversary.  With the same husband.  O_o  Yep, we made it.  And we're celebrating!  Renewing our vows on May 15th, and this time the "wedding" is what I want.  Hand fasting to focus on the constant work relationships take, very small private ceremony, and celebrating with a community potluck in the park after wards.  It's going to be a good day.  I hope yours has been and will continue to be one also.

The Wai-aiting is the Hardest Part

So I'm glad it's over.  I'm also glad the answer is yes.  Now on to the longer- but much more active- wait.  Sitting on my hands and *just* waiting is a killer to me.  I don't handle it well.  Waiting while having things to do makes me much happier.  Now I have my things to do, and I'm elated.  Although I think it's safe to say that there are two people out there that are even more over the moon than I am.  And that's a good thing.  :)

The Human Touch

We're currently living in an amazingly connected world, thanks to 24-hour news channels, satellite TV/telephone, the internet, social networks, 3G notworks, cell phone and other innovations.  Because we are such a connected world, last week I was able to sit and watch live streaming broadcast of parts of the rescue of 33 Chilean miners, broadcast by a British television company.  Forget two places at once, I was (virtually) in three places at once.  More if you count the fact that I was on the Tor network while doing all this, so there were at least three other intermediary locations as well.  In many ways, we've condensed the globe down to the size of computer chip.

But more importantly- do you know all the neighbors on your street?  If you were out of flour, would you have to go to the store or could you ask a friend next door?  With internet bullying in the forefront the past couple of weeks, I think we really need to consider our reactions to the virtual world and the physical world.  I'm not knocking the virtual world- I think the interconnectedness is great.  We can experience other cultures, get our news from a variety of sources, learn about so much more than our own little block, but it's for sure not the end-all-be-all, and it's important to keep that in perspective.

As humans, we're social beings and wired with the need for interaction with others.  There's variation in how much interaction we need or want; ask an introvert and an extrovert how much time they like to be with people in a given day and you'll get vastly different responses.  But besides the variation in quantity, there's also variation in quality.  In person contact makes the biggest difference in our lives, with phone contact coming in close.  Written letters make a fair amount of difference in how connected we feel to people, although virtual communication over the internet registers as almost nothing positive psychologically.  Especially in times of stress, we need human contact.  We need to feel like we belong.  We need to feel like we have a place to turn.  We need a shoulder upon which to cry.  We don't get those things from the newer forms of communication.  Instead, most people tend to feel less connected.  There is no human touch like in a hand written letter, no quick response like a phone call, and definitely no physical connection or facial display of empathy.  When the chips are already proverbially down, that added draw on our emotional reserves can be tragic.

Additionally, the anonymity of the internet allows people to not have to face the consequences of their actions, so the norm of being civil gets broken down.  Unfortunately, it's harder to break down our need for empathy.  All in all, moving more and more of our communication into the virtual world leaves fewer of our social needs met.  At its worst, we end up with situations like some of the recent bullying and harassment cases, and as we've seen, potential to tragic deaths.  Figuring out how to navigate this brave new world is going to have more bumps along the road, but I'm hopeful that we'll manage to figure it out.

And yes, I get the irony of writing this all on a blog instead of calling to talk to someone about it.  :)