Kidisms

26 November, 2012
(looks at quiche dinner) Ew, what's *that*?!
It's egg, soysage, kale, and cheese- all things you like. Try a bite.
(carefully takes an eentsy-weentsy baby bite) HEY! That IS great!
See? You can't judge a book by it's cover.
How did you know that?! Did you watch that My Little Ponies? And... that's not a book... You said that's dinner... (looks scornfully)

23 November, 2012
Kenny is an only child for the sake of the general sanity of our house, and I think only-children can develop some great interpersonal and social skills. But the days I find him playing ball with the wall, and addressing and critiquing its ability to play some game, I kind of have to question my assumptions...

19 November, 2012
Nearly seven year old content with a booklight under the covers for reading- parenting win.

18 November, 2012
Me- Kenny, I need your help this week getting ready for company coming over. Do you think we can do that?
K- Yeah! We can be like frenemies!
Me-
K- Because sometimes we're friends, and sometimes we're enemies. This week we'll be friends, I think.
Me- When am I your enemy?
K- When you tell me what to do, and make me do stuff I don't like, like take a shower or pick up my toys.

No, son, that's not me being an enemy, that's me being a parent.

At least he's willing to work together, right?

12 November, 2012
Why I keep Dwight around: "You probably want black socks with that outfit." "Yes, stick with your boots." "Here, try a belt with that." "Hmmm... Maybe polish those?" "You're missing an earring."

11 November, 2012
Sunday morning before 9 is not the time to be answering questions like "Why are there 365 days in a year?"

10 November, 2012
Brussels Sprouts Stalks- The two dollar tasty and nutritious food item, with a free toy thrown in.

8 November, 2012
A big thanks to Mary Ann for playing with bento with me today! Kenny is loving the leftovers. His response when he saw the sushi mats out- "I get SUSHI!!!"    

7 November, 2012
According to our cat, it's vastly preferable to try and rip open a new bag of food after dragging it across the kitchen, instead of just eating the food that's in her bowl. And I thought *I* complicated things unnecessarily.

6 November, 2012
Late dinner at 1433: Intoxicants, fast food/comfort food, sweets both real and imaginary. Why yes, this is a metaphor for election 2012, in fact.

Today is the day that (theoretically) we voice our opinion on the leaders of our nation. Those votes area cast based on 2 billion dollars of advertising, from various sources besides the candidates, and often from unknown donors. There may even be a few hours of actual research that go into the choice. And then the electoral college gets to cast their vote, which (again, theoretically) will rep

resent the will of the majority of the people in their respective states. And the two major choices are a "liar" who "doesn't understand Americans" or someone who's "not as bad as the other choices" (take your pick- those all have been used to describe both candidates). If worse comes to worse, there's always the possibility of just letting nine life-appointed judges decide for us, a la 2000.

But at least your local and state elections make a difference!

Whatever way this whole thing ends up, look at the people you meet today. They are people, they care about our country and our community, they have families whom they love, the work for the benefit of themselves and others, and their DNA is *vastly* similar to your own. You do not know their story, you have no right to judge them- there but for fortune and all that. Then roll up your sleeves, and stiffen your back, because if we're going to be a civilized society, we all have a metric shit-ton of work to do, and open your eyes, because it's hard to work without knowing what's going on.

4 November, 2012

Dinner tonight- Baked whole cauliflower head, Harvard beets, and baked brie with apples pears and pecans over crackers.

Kenny's opinion- Best baked brains ever!

3 November, 2012

"When I grow up... I think... I can... Maybe I should... What was I talking about again?"

Seriously, the symptoms for dementia and "being six" seem eerily similar.

Thoughts for the morning
1) "Hacking" doesn't mean what you think it does, son.
2) No one accidentally puts "laser firing planet destroying canons" on satellites.
3) I need to remove all science kits from Ken's birthday list. That could be a dangerous combo.

31 October, 2012

Today's chain of events, while great, also points out my fatal fashion flaws. I hate to break anyone's idea of me as well-put-together or aesthetically pleasing, or let's face it, more able to dress myself than a kindergartener. So- who wants to tell me how to dress?

28 October, 2012

When you're done getting dressed, come out and pick up your stuff off the floor.
"All right, Mr. Grumpy."
Why did you call me Mr. Grumpy?
"Because you're grumpy!"
Do you think there's a reason I'm grumpy?
"Oh, yeah! Because I'm not listening."
Yep. How could we fix that?
"You could stop telling me to pick up."

Now why didn't I think of that...

27 October, 2012

Weekends are so... loud... in this house. O.o

25 October, 2012

Confidence boost for the morning- Stacking three blocks or more is a sign of great intelligence. I can stack at least twenty, how about everyone else? I bet if you're reading this, you're a genius.

23 October, 2012

To do list item- go back to being obsessive, crushing 6 years of trying to not be obsessive so parenthood doesn't drive me insane.

I'm not sure whether to be impressed or embarrassed that Kenny can fool me on his homework. Plus- His story telling ability is on bar with children's book authors. Minus- We're supposed to be working on reading, not story telling.

21 October, 2012

When did I start looking forward to the beginning of a new week because the weekend is so tiring? Oof. O.o

18 October, 2012

Necessary parts of today's first grade wardrobe? Wool fedora, raptor rain boots, decoder rings, lasso, skinny jeans, and Michael Jackson glove. All at the same time.

16 October, 2012

Chalking today up to a My Little Pony, Johnny Test, and art fest for El Shorto. Hoping for no more "cough until you puke" fits today, and some semi-productive writing. Semi-productive may be aiming too high.

13 October, 2012

Facebook World- hold on to your hats. Kenny is sorting through his crap- I mean, treasured belongings- into donate/throw away/keep and put away piles. It requires nearly constant chatter, and goes very slowly, but it's progress, right? :D

Three day weekend is off to a very talkative start. From both boys. It's going to be a long three days.

10 October, 2012

Apparently, Ken's reverse-reaction to Dimetapp comes from me. "May cause drowsiness" becomes "Spend all night revved up like a crack monkey." Woo-hoo! Now I want a nap.

9 October, 2012

What other kids think of my kid when he goes visiting:

Kid 1: "Hey! That kid who was here on Saturday, can he come out and play?"
Friend: "Mmm... He doesn't live here. I'm sorry."
Kid 2: "Yah, but can he come out to play?"
Friend: "I'm sorry. He doesn't live here. We just babysit him sometimes."
Kid 1: "Oh. Do you think he can come play on Saturday or Sunday?"               

6 October, 2012
Love is turning a four inch square-ish (but not really) piece of paper into an origami Trade Federation Battleship on command. While Herr Commandant plays video games.

There's a special pride when your kid tells you you're doing it wrong- and is right. I officially have the most awesome offspring ever.

Huh. I must have entered an alternate universe. In spite of myself and my best efforts, I got shit done. And it's not time to pick up Kenny yet. Is it just me, or did anyone else hear reports of glaciers being spotted in hell?

3 October, 2012
"I'm going to refute that with 'Nuh-uh'!"

1 October, 2012
Three (reasonably) competent minds, and no one remembers who added a sentence or who requested that it be added. I'm not sure if this is a good thing, and shows how everyone is working together well, or a bad thing as we're all losing our minds.

25 September, 2012
"What's 'definition'? What's 'meaning'? What's 'irony'?"

It's going to be a long day...

20 September, 2012
You take the stringy-thing, attach it to the nobbin, over the first wheely-thing, around the second wheely-thing, attach the other end to the do-hickie, make sure the rod is through the holder-bit, and use the smasher (or the whammer) to get the spinny thing back onto the slidey thing, and the garage door's fixed! See? Simple. Right, Dwight? 

19 September, 2012
Good grief, first month of first grade, and the kid's got the back of all his (half-finished) worksheets covered in drawings. This is not a good sign of things to come (well, at least not for his ability to focus and comply with requests, or to fit in, although it's pretty cool for his creativity).

Morning so far- Baby Dinosaur got dressed after much prompting from Mama Dinosaur, and we tried to imagine what noises Mars rover Curiosity makes.

15 September, 2012
Implementing DADT policy in the Regula-Meyer household:

Don't ask me if you're underwear's dirty, and don't tell me when you have to fart.

10 September, 2012
After cooking dinner, I get a break and don't have to cook dessert. Ken's decided that it was more important to not eat what he didn't eat than it was to eat what he did like. I may make pudding anyway, just for me.

Rough morning at our house. "The invisible baby raptor got in my PANTS!" I see a theme developing. Who am I kidding? The dinosaur-theme is fully developed and about to hit Jurassic Park-level insanity.

29 August, 2012
In case you were wondering, cats don't seem to appreciate plastic bowls being lodged on their head, although it is quite comical to watch their reaction. At least ours doesn't. Thank you, son, for another critical lesson in animal behavior. Now go apologize to the cat.

28 August, 2012
Ken- Hey, Mama! Look- I write better than you do!

(mumble, mumble) Bite me, dear.

27 August, 2012
Dinner of purple pesto with purple kale, and baked mussels. The best part- trying to explain mussels to Kenny.

21 August, 2012
While building K-9 with Kenny: "Mama, could you quiet down some? I can't think when you talk so much."

Me: Bwahahaahahahahahahahaha!

Oh, the irony...

17 August, 2012
Confession time: At Cedar Point today, we taught Kenny how to scam the park. He had one of the guessing-game people guess his age. Poor Cedar Point never had a chance... 

11 August, 2012
How do you know a six year old is tired? When he falls asleep while brushing his teeth.

6 August, 2012
Days like this make it painfully obvious that one thing Ken did not get from me is his verbosity...

2 August, 2012
No clue what happened at the zoo tonight. Some kid was explaining exactly why the boy lion was on top of the girl lion. And then he started following me home. Anybody loose a redheaded elementary-aged kid? :/

24 July, 2012
Lisa - Ryan told me today that "Bad guys ARE real." I asked him how he knew this and he said, "I've told you many times that when Kenny was a baby, he got trapped in a force field ball."

23 July, 2012
First thing inn the morning (yes, we need to change morning times before school starts):

Kenny- Did our sun blow up and make a black hole over night?
Me- No, why?
K- Awwww! I wanted to see the inside of a black hole today! Can we do that tomorrow?
M-                      

19 July, 2012
My morning thus far-

Kenny- Mama, can I get something? I need hookers with guitars to play in my band.
Me- No, you can't get hookers. Do you even know what hookers are?
K- They're awesome people that play awesome guitar.
M- No, dear, they're rugby players, and do you really think rugby players know how to play guitar?

Parenting save of the day. Now if only I can figure out a similarly neutral way to explain how government works in this town.

15 July, 2012
Kenny- Mama, I have a secret for you.
Me- What's that?
K- I love to the end of all the universes.
M- ♥

18 June, 2012
Kenny- What day can we make a suit for a fish to breathe outside of water?
Me- Why do you want to take a fish outside of water?
K- How can I take a fish to the park if I don't take it outside of water?
M- Why are you taking a fish to the park?
K- So I can have fishsticks at the park. When can we make the fish-suit?
M- Ask me again later; mama has a headache.

10 June, 2012
There is currently a lot of *very* loud rabbit-calling going on in the yard, which is bunny-trapped with about a dozen various contraptions (and no, that's not my term for them). I'm not convinced how well this plan is going to work, but what do I know? I'm not a six-point-five year old.

5 June, 2012
From a friends-
I just remembered that el shorto asked me the other night if a certain type of turtle we saw in a movie was real. I deferred to you being more suited to answer questions like, "can psychoanalysis be worthwhile?" Which fortunately, he did not ask....

See if he remembers. Also I think we have a part of his toy plane

27 May, 2012
Kenny- Mama! Hit the rock. Don't smoke it.

I'm 90% sure this is not something a six year old should not know or do. Just guessing.

20 May, 2012
We have determined that Kenny has either read, or helped to write, the CIA's manual on enhanced interrogation techniques. There's no other explanation for his ability to induce extreme discomfort.

15 May, 2012
Adventures in parenting that I never anticipated: Explaining "eunuch" and why you shouldn't make yourself into one.

Asking for Kenny- Does anyone know how to make X-Ray glasses? Or know someone who knows how to make them? If we dip mama's glasses in carrot juice will they be X-Ray glasses?

Wait... Damn it...

5 May, 2012
Surprisingly, Ken can't get his just-made-from-a-cardboard-box Perry the Platypus replica to do tricks. He keeps trying, and it keeps not working. At least the kid's persistent. #unencumberedbythethoughtprocess

30 April, 2012
I'd threaten being sold to the Borg to Ken, but I think that would just make him do whatever might get him assimilated. 

29 April, 2012
Why my kid rocks monkey socks, #8957: Given the choice of pizza or chole and green rice for dinner, he picks chole. :D

20 April, 2012
The entire house has been booby-trapped with cat treats. Ken's trying to catch Leucopus and start his own zoo. How to react to this situation was not covered in the parenting classes or instruction manual.

For anyone who's wondering, no, Kenny does not have any self-preservation drive. But we did get to see the Komodo dragon move incredibly fast today. :)

15 April, 2012
It's never a good sign when the morning starts with your kid fighting with his toys. I have a feeling this is going to be a long day...

10 April, 2012
Dear cat,
You are nearly 9 years old, isn't it time to learn to use your claws correctly? And I'd like my arm back, thank you very much.
Love,
Your loyal human

31 March, 2012
Ken- Sniff the air!
Me- No, I just heard you fart.
Ken- Please?
Me- You're weird, you know that, right?
Ken- Yep. It smells like strawberries!
Me- Not sniffing.
Ken- No really, it does!

Good try, kiddo.

25 March, 2012
Normal Sunday afternoon: Ken- Why can't I just TRY?!
Me- Do you mean why can't you do something that leads to your death?
K- No, why can't I just try my idea?!
Me- The one about hanging yourself upside down from tree after climbing out the window and on top of our house?
K- Yeah, like that?! Why can't I?!

Hmm... Why indeed, son, why indeed?

15 March, 2012
For some reason, Ken's not getting the whole "stop correcting your teacher" lesson. No clue where he got this tendency from, although she could also try not being wrong so often.

13 March, 2012
"I have a lecture to write tonight, but I really want to enjoy the weather and walk down to Katie's Korner after dinner."
"We can do that."
"You're supposed to stop me from doing stupid irresponsible things."
"I see nothing stupid or irresponsible about walking to Katie's."

Name the conversation members.

4 March, 2012
There appears to be a monster dinosaur screaming "poop!" attacking the house. Or Kenny playing with the sound analyzer on his computer. XO-1= $100. Learning how acoustics work while driving parents insane= priceless.

30 January, 2012
Trying to navigate the message from the little shits in Kenny's class that "all girls like and want to be princesses", he and I finally decided that I'm a princess that wears waders and muck boots (in rainbow colors), and carries a dip net as a magic wand (and uses the star-shaped magic wand as a back scratcher). Instead of a unicorn, mama gets a Clydesdale. Creative solutions to problems, yeah!

24 January, 2012                       
Kenny waking up an hour and a half early today means an hour and a half less of my sanity. I love the little booger, but he really accentuates just how fine a line it is between creativity and madness.